Pam Reviews It All

Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

General Life Update: Oz and Granola

Squirt's in Oz

Mothers aren't built to be away from their children for too long. Don't get me wrong-- we all get desperate for "alone" time, or "grown up" time. A stretch of time where moms can sleep in and get a little break from the responsibilities of child care. Glass of wine? Yes, please. Shot of tequila? Muchas gracias!

I am super lucky in that my parents are local and would take Squirt every weekend if I let them (I don't), so really I don't have much to complain about. I have free baby sitting when I need it, sometimes even with pick-up and drop-off service!

A weekend every now and then without the kids is a beautiful thing. But weeks and weeks at a stretch? Not so much.

Earlier this week, Squirt left to spend time with his father, his stepmom, and two younger half-siblings. In Australia, where Squirt's dad now resides. For those of you who are really, really bad at geography, that's a whole different continent on the other side of the Earth. Right now Squirt is so far away that he is actually experiencing winter in June, and watching his toilet flush in the opposite direction.

He'll be gone till July 20, which is a very long time-- 5 weeks. It's been very quiet. Even the dogs miss him. Whenever they hear the sound of a basketball bouncing up the walk, they run to the door expecting Squirt to bust through any second.

Last year, he was in Australia for an entire summer. THAT was rough. So I'll take 5 weeks over that.

These next 5 weeks I'm devoting to working my tushie off. I finally agreed to co-author that parenting book with a prominent parenting guru in the area, so I'll have time to devote to that exciting project. She's already got pre-orders for it on her website. I'll link it when I feel comfortable with the progress.

Downward Doggy Style

This is humiliating.

And Rugby and I have signed up for... FITNESS YOGA! Those of you who know me are probably stifling giggles right now. I know how much I've resisted this granola-fication, but it's really hard not to cross over to the crunchy side when you're married to a hippie and you work in the niche that I do. I can't wait for the first class-- I suspect that this will be a veritable well of fun, and potentially humiliating, stories for my blog, which I'm sure you all will love.

I don't know if I can ever do that hot yoga though. I really can't imagine anything more unpleasant than being in a hot, humid room with a bunch of other people with questionable hygiene while they contort their bodies in ways I'm not sure God intended. I'm sure it's great, but not just for me right now. Reading this doesn't exactly entice me to do hot yoga either.

I am, however, considering doing a juice cleanse, since I'm having issues with eating solids anyway. I might as well use it to my advantage.

My friend Missy, who lives in Berkeley, aka land of the rich and annoyingly preachy hippie/yuppy hybrid, is always accusing me of becoming a full-on "Granola-Scooper." I assure her that although I may incorporate some new healthier life habits, I will never kick my trash TV-watching, junk food craving ways. This soothes her for some reason.

The irony is I really enjoy granola. I just can't eat it right now because of my braces.

Hep Hep Hoor- A! Or How Costco and Braces Conspired to Infect Me with Hepatitis A.

0
COM

Our Saturday plans to relax and maybe even do something outdoorsy and exercise-y were thwarted by this lovely news article that Rugby stumbled upon while leisurely drinking his morning coffee:

Frozen berry mix sparks hepatitis A outbreak in 5 states!

And wouldn't you know it. Pam bought these same damn berries and fed them to her husband and child. Ridiculous things like this seem to always happen to Pam.

At any rate, we ate the whole possibly-contaminated bag of them. The brand was Townsend Farms. Here's the picture. Review Questions at the end.

Bag of Hep.

What the Hep?

So what is Hepatitis A? According to Wikipedia, it's a viral disease that is spread the "fecal-oral" route. So basically it's spread by poop. So eating food that has come into contact with the diseased poop or that has been sprayed with contamined water, or that has been touched by an infected worker with dirty hands will give you Hep A. Just remember, "fecal-oral". As if you could forget now.

Hepatitis A is a disease of the liver. If you do develop it, you can experience fatigue, vomitting, nausea, loss of apetite, and most famously- jaundice. You probably won't die from it, but it'll make you wicked sick and possibly land you in a hospital for several weeks.

I Blame the Braces

In anticipation of getting my braces, I stocked up on protein powder and frozen berries from Costco, to give myself an easy food source that did not require the use of my molars. There were a couple different varieties of frozen berries in the Costco freezer, but I was seduced by the words "organic" and "antioxidant." There was something organic in there, all right.

The thing is both Rugby and Squirt love when I make smoothies, and so whenever I made one for myself, I also made them for the two boys. (Even though I know this was not my fault, I still feel like an asshole for handing them hepatitis-laced smoothies.)

Anyhow, all the articles urged consumers who had eaten the berries within the last 14 days to get checked out, so we went and did that. All three of us spent a few hours in some random urgent care clinic. It was hard to find one in our network that was also open on a Saturday. We were attended by a doctor who resembled George Costanza. He had food dribbles all down his shirt and his white coat was dingy and black at the cuffs. He didn't exactly inspire confidence, but we weren't about to get picky.

Luckily, we knew Squirt had been vaccinated. Hep A vacs became part of the regular reportoire of childhood shots in 2004. But since Rugby nor I could be sure about our vaccinations, we were given boosters. Getting the booster will stave off the illness, as long as you get it within 14 days of contact.

We Promise to Start Washing Our Hands from Now on.

As I understand it, even if you have been vaccinated you could still possibly pass on the virus to others. But you won't get it if we sneeze or cough on you. Remember "fecal-oral." As long as we wash our hands after the bathroom, you should be fine. We promise to start doing that from now on.

WINK.

Between the clots and the Hep A scare, this first week of braces has been a real party!

Now it's time to answer...

Pam's Product Review Questions

Does the product do what it says it will? Yes, but it may have given us Hep A.
Is the product worth the money you paid? I paid $9.99 for a big ol' bag. It would have been a great deal except for that it may have given us Hep A. And the shots cost us $330 total (which Costco has agreed to reimburse us for).
How would you improve the product? Make sure it doesn't give people Hep A.
Would you repurchase/recommend to others? No, as it might give you Hep A.
Caveats: No caveats. Just don't buy them.

Townsend Farms Organic Antioxidant Blend Frozen Berries

Hopefully nowhere. They should have been taken off the shelves by now.

Adult Braces: Spacers Make Me Want to Punch People

6
COM

What Are Spacers?

So like I said in my previous braces post, I'm going in for full "installation" on Friday. The brackets are the little square guys they put on each individual tooth and through which the "arch wire" is threaded across the teeth. In my case, they are putting metal bands around four molars, one on each side of both the top and bottom teeth. The bands are there to anchor the wire.

To make it easier for them to slide the bands around the molars they placed "spacers" on either side of each molar. These spacers are pretty much tiny, but thick rubber bands that they force between the teeth to create more space in between.

This picture was swiped off the innernetz. It's not me, but pretty much what I've got going on.

Spacers Suck.

The gals at the ortho's office told me that the two weeks I have the spacers in will be the worst two weeks of my whole treatment.

P'shaw, said I. I had braces twice already. I don't remember spacers being bad.

Spacers are bad. Let me try to describe it for you:

Imagine chewing on a big, dry piece of steak. And imagine that huge strings of meat got stuck in 8 separate places in your teeth, and that everytime you chewed on something else, those pieces of meat get lodged further and further between your teeth, cutting into your gums. Now imagine THAT YOU HAD TO KEEP THAT CRAP IN YOUR TEETH FOR 14 DAYS STRAIGHT.

(Side note: There's a Filipino word for stuff that gets stuck in your teeth, "tinga" pronounced tee-NGAH. There's no word for that in English.)

And it hurts like a mother, y'all... It's wierd. These spacers make my teeth and head hurt. And I swear, my inner ears are burning. The pain doesn't eventually subside, like the pressure of braces does. It just pretty much hangs around all day.

Obviously, this is just my experience, so I can't say that spacers will make you want to punch folks in the face. But me, I'm ready to sock someone. If only someone would let me. So far, no takers.

These little bitches come out on Friday!!! And then the real fun begins! I'm excited to get this party started.

Brace Yourself!

2
COM

ALEX TREBEC

The answer is... "So you didn't wear your retainer..."

PAM

What is "The thing you don't say to a 38-year-old woman upon her walking into an orthodontist office to be fitted with braces for the the third time in her life"?

ALEX TREBEC

Correct! I would have also taken, "What is totally obvious?"

PAM

Super! Next, I'll take "Things You Learn the Hard, Expensive Way for $5000", Alex.

**Retain This, B*tches.**

I'm getting braces. Again (again). At 38 years old. Yes, I'm about to be THAT lady. And every time I explain to anyone that I'd already had braces as a child, I always get slapped in the face with some variation of, "Tsk tsk, you didn't wear your retainer, did you?"

You mean the retainer that I was given when I was 15? Ummm, no, dudes.

And seriously, I know tons of people my age who had braces and stopped wearing their retainers. And their teeth still look great.

Life just ain't fair.

Brief History of Pam's Mouth Hole

At 9 years old, my two front permanent teeth grew in janky, like a V pointing inward. Then my right canine started growing in all high on the gums. At 12 years old, x-rays confirmed that a mutant canine was also growing through the middle of my pallette.

?

Take a minute to process that. A tooth was growing through the roof of my mouth. The dentist joked that I was part shark.

Several gum-gouging oral surgeries, headgears, and torture devices later, I was finally only just ready for braces. Over the next two years, they managed to slowly and painfully drag the mutant canine from the roof of my mouth to the spot it was supposed to live.

Success! They took the braces off.

3 months later they said, "Just kidding!" and put the braces back on. 1 year after that, they took them off again. I was 15.

23 years after all that mess, I'm going in again for Round 3 of braces. There's been a lot of shifting. It seems that my mutant canine is migrating upstream to its home in the middle of my pallette. Possibly to spawn, like a salmon.

Why Now?

I'm more a summer chicken than a spring one. And I mean, my teeth can look straight in pictures if I work my angles and/or make sure my mouth is slightly open so you don't see the crazy crossbite. Plus, I already gotz a man, so why spare the discomfort and the considerable expense?

It bothers me when I see a bad picture (which is often-- thanks, FB)
Whenever I bite into an apple I see the teethmarks of the chupacabra (who also needs braces)
My mother points it out to me every other time she sees me.
My jaw has shifted to the right, so I don't have just crooked teeth. I also have a crooked face.
It's getting worse with each passing year.

That's why.

And if you're wondering why I just don't do Invisalign: My mutant canine is kind of a dick with its own agenda. Invisalign won't do shit for the mutiny happening in my gums.

I am, however, doing clear brackets up top, which is a nice improvement from the days of the full metal teeth jackets.

Braces: Reviewing the Process

So, I'm going to document this whole process from beginning to end to help any of you older, dentally challenged peeps out there who are going through the same thing or are considering doing this.

Here is a "before" picture of my teef, taken May 2013.

PAM'S TEEF.

I'm scheduled to get the brackets and wiring in on Friday. It's gonna be like 1987 all over again.

Wish me luck.

Oh, and you better believe I'm going to wear my retainer till the end. I've already told Rugby and Squirt that I wish to be buried with the retainer in my mouth so that mutant canine will know its place forever.

Pages