Adult Braces: Expander and Turbos, A Most Undignified New Phase of My Treatment

Just when I think my life can't get more ridiculous than it is, this goes and happens.

Removable Expander

Expanding My Horizons

My orthodontist has been telling me all along that they will be giving me an expander to widen my palate, thus making more room for my overcrowded teeth. Okay, I said. I had one when I was a kid. I remember it. It was the kind that I could take out and then widen every couple days with a little key. It looked like what you see here on the right.

BRING IT, I said.

Little did I know that it was already broughten. (I know that's not a real word.) When I report to the orthodontist last week, they show me the expander, and it is not the same kind I had when I was kid. No, what they show instead is called a "quad helix expander". Here is an example of what I have in my mouth, but again, this isn't mine.

So I know this actually APPEARS a lot less cumbersome than the removable kind I had when I was a kid.

IT IS NOT.

It all comes down to one word, one extremely important qualifier. This one they put in my mouth is NOT REMOVABLE. It is, in fact, glued to my molars until such time they see fit to take it out.

If I Were a Phone Sex Operator, I'd Be Out of a Job!

I've had this thing in my mouth for a week now, and I can't even believe my ortho did not warn me about the repercussions of having such an appliance in my mouth as a grown-ass professional.

First and most importantly, my speech has been DRASTICALLY compromised. I have a wire obstructing the roof of my mouth so the following sounds are difficult to pronounce: d, t, n, j, ch.

Part of my job is recording the occasional voice-over.Well, I won't be doing that for a while. What if I weren't primarily a writer though? What if I were a courtroom lawyer? A customer service rep? A A phone sex operator? This could cost me my job!

Secondly, consuming food with this thing has made eating an even less dignified event than it already was. It's like a have a moustrap for a mouth. EVERYTHING gets caught in the expander. The stringy vegetables wrap around the wires. ENnnnnnh. I'm constantly trying to suck the particles out of the wires, leading to the next big deal.

Having to manuever my tongue around this appliance to speak or to suck the food out of it, can actually be painful at times. Do you see the four coils in the expander? When I'm trying to suck the food out, I can actually pull a little bit of my tongue in between the springs, causing pinching and tugging. Ouch!

And Then There Are the Turbos

Insult to injury, salt in my wound, twist of the knife, kick when I'm down:

Not my yellow teeth.
And my turbos are white, not electric blue.

On top of all that, they also put in something called "turbos". Actually, "bumpers" is more an accurate description. They applied these little white mounds of goo to two of my lower molars. The goo hardens and creates little bumpers to keep my bite open enough so that the three upper teeth that sit behind the lower teeth actually have room to move forward. I totally get that this is a necessary step.

Except...

This means I can't close my teeth all the way. Which means, in addition to the other sounds I can't make properly, I also cannot make the S sound. I speak with a lisp. Thith thukth.

This also means, I really, REALLY can't chew anything because my teeth only meet where the bumpers do. That's two places.

GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.

But Wait- It Gets Better!

Whatever, right? I asked for this. I want straight teeth. I'm willing to have a temporary speech impediment.

Except one of my best friends gets married on Saturday. I'm a maid of honor. I'm expected to make a speech.

She heard what I sound like, and she still wants me to speak. What am I supposed to tell her? I can't refuse to do this. How will anyone hear my heartfelt message over the deafening laughter of 200+ guests? Plus I may have to designate a "splash zone" and hand out ponchos to the people in the first few rows in front of me. If I don't swallow often while I talk, there's spittle.

This is all so, so... undignified.

What has become of my life?

Rugby says I sound like Stan's sister on South Park.

Still, I'm Glad I'm Doing It

As much as I complain about the process, I know I'm forutnate that I can afford to get this done in the first place. Also in just 3 weeks I've already seen DRASTIC improvements to the allignment of my upper teeth.

THREE WEEKS! I think it's all going to be worth it.

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