Adult Braces: Expander and Turbos, A Most Undignified New Phase of My Treatment
Labels:
adult braces
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| Removable Expander |
Expanding My Horizons
My orthodontist has been telling me all along that they will be giving me an expander to widen my palate, thus making more room for my overcrowded teeth. Okay, I said. I had one when I was a kid. I remember it. It was the kind that I could take out and then widen every couple days with a little key. It looked like what you see here on the right.BRING IT, I said.
So I know this actually APPEARS a lot less cumbersome than the removable kind I had when I was a kid.
IT IS NOT.
It all comes down to one word, one extremely important qualifier. This one they put in my mouth is NOT REMOVABLE. It is, in fact, glued to my molars until such time they see fit to take it out.
If I Were a Phone Sex Operator, I'd Be Out of a Job!
I've had this thing in my mouth for a week now, and I can't even believe my ortho did not warn me about the repercussions of having such an appliance in my mouth as a grown-ass professional.
First and most importantly, my speech has been DRASTICALLY compromised. I have a wire obstructing the roof of my mouth so the following sounds are difficult to pronounce: d, t, n, j, ch.
Part of my job is recording the occasional voice-over.Well, I won't be doing that for a while. What if I weren't primarily a writer though? What if I were a courtroom lawyer? A customer service rep? A A phone sex operator? This could cost me my job!
Part of my job is recording the occasional voice-over.Well, I won't be doing that for a while. What if I weren't primarily a writer though? What if I were a courtroom lawyer? A customer service rep? A A phone sex operator? This could cost me my job!
Secondly, consuming food with this thing has made eating an even less dignified event than it already was. It's like a have a moustrap for a mouth. EVERYTHING gets caught in the expander. The stringy vegetables wrap around the wires. ENnnnnnh. I'm constantly trying to suck the particles out of the wires, leading to the next big deal.
Having to manuever my tongue around this appliance to speak or to suck the food out of it, can actually be painful at times. Do you see the four coils in the expander? When I'm trying to suck the food out, I can actually pull a little bit of my tongue in between the springs, causing pinching and tugging. Ouch!
And Then There Are the Turbos
Insult to injury, salt in my wound, twist of the knife, kick when I'm down:
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| Not my yellow teeth. And my turbos are white, not electric blue. |
Except...
This means I can't close my teeth all the way. Which means, in addition to the other sounds I can't make properly, I also cannot make the S sound. I speak with a lisp. Thith thukth.
This also means, I really, REALLY can't chew anything because my teeth only meet where the bumpers do. That's two places.
GAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.
But Wait- It Gets Better!
Whatever, right? I asked for this. I want straight teeth. I'm willing to have a temporary speech impediment.
Except one of my best friends gets married on Saturday. I'm a maid of honor. I'm expected to make a speech.
She heard what I sound like, and she still wants me to speak. What am I supposed to tell her? I can't refuse to do this. How will anyone hear my heartfelt message over the deafening laughter of 200+ guests? Plus I may have to designate a "splash zone" and hand out ponchos to the people in the first few rows in front of me. If I don't swallow often while I talk, there's spittle.
This is all so, so... undignified.
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| What has become of my life? |
Still, I'm Glad I'm Doing It
As much as I complain about the process, I know I'm forutnate that I can afford to get this done in the first place. Also in just 3 weeks I've already seen DRASTIC improvements to the allignment of my upper teeth.
THREE WEEKS! I think it's all going to be worth it.
General Life Update: Oz and Granola
Labels:
life
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Squirt's in Oz
Mothers aren't built to be away from their children for too long. Don't get me wrong-- we all get desperate for "alone" time, or "grown up" time. A stretch of time where moms can sleep in and get a little break from the responsibilities of child care. Glass of wine? Yes, please. Shot of tequila? Muchas gracias!I am super lucky in that my parents are local and would take Squirt every weekend if I let them (I don't), so really I don't have much to complain about. I have free baby sitting when I need it, sometimes even with pick-up and drop-off service!
A weekend every now and then without the kids is a beautiful thing. But weeks and weeks at a stretch? Not so much.
Earlier this week, Squirt left to spend time with his father, his stepmom, and two younger half-siblings. In Australia, where Squirt's dad now resides. For those of you who are really, really bad at geography, that's a whole different continent on the other side of the Earth. Right now Squirt is so far away that he is actually experiencing winter in June, and watching his toilet flush in the opposite direction.
He'll be gone till July 20, which is a very long time-- 5 weeks. It's been very quiet. Even the dogs miss him. Whenever they hear the sound of a basketball bouncing up the walk, they run to the door expecting Squirt to bust through any second.
Last year, he was in Australia for an entire summer. THAT was rough. So I'll take 5 weeks over that.
These next 5 weeks I'm devoting to working my tushie off. I finally agreed to co-author that parenting book with a prominent parenting guru in the area, so I'll have time to devote to that exciting project. She's already got pre-orders for it on her website. I'll link it when I feel comfortable with the progress.
Downward Doggy Style
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| This is humiliating. |
I don't know if I can ever do that hot yoga though. I really can't imagine anything more unpleasant than being in a hot, humid room with a bunch of other people with questionable hygiene while they contort their bodies in ways I'm not sure God intended. I'm sure it's great, but not just for me right now. Reading this doesn't exactly entice me to do hot yoga either.
I am, however, considering doing a juice cleanse, since I'm having issues with eating solids anyway. I might as well use it to my advantage.
My friend Missy, who lives in Berkeley, aka land of the rich and annoyingly preachy hippie/yuppy hybrid, is always accusing me of becoming a full-on "Granola-Scooper." I assure her that although I may incorporate some new healthier life habits, I will never kick my trash TV-watching, junk food craving ways. This soothes her for some reason.
The irony is I really enjoy granola. I just can't eat it right now because of my braces.
Adult Braces: My Diet the First 3 Weeks
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I tried eating smoothies. Here are reasons I stopped:
- Hepititis-laced Costco berries
- The protein powders and fiber supplememnts messed with my constitution. I was not my, uh... "regular" self.
- I don't even like sweets that much, so I never felt full.
Then I thought, OOOH! Indian food is nice and smooshy. And it's delicious! Here are the reasons I stopped:
- I can't cook Indian myself without the aid of pre-made jarred sauces.
- Take out gets expensive.
- The exotic and fragrant spices used to flavor Indian food (e.g., turmeric, paprika) are VERY STAINING. So they ended up staining the rubber bands (ligatures) used to hold the wired to the bracket, ergo casting a yellow tint onto my clear braces, ergo making all my teeth appear like they haven't been brushed in weeks, ergo BIG FAT FAIL.
Currently my molars are still super sore, so I can't really chew for shit. I still have those damn spacers in. This means meat is still out. I can't even eat salad because leafy greens require proper mastication before you can swallow them.
So basically I have to stick to foods I can swallow whole or chew with my tongue. Have you tried eating without using your teeth? Do you know how to chew with your tongue? It's rough.
And to avoid staining my ligatures, I need to stick to white or clear foods.
Sad face emoticon here.
So basically I have to stick to foods I can swallow whole or chew with my tongue. Have you tried eating without using your teeth? Do you know how to chew with your tongue? It's rough.
And to avoid staining my ligatures, I need to stick to white or clear foods.
Sad face emoticon here.
Here is a list of foods I've been leaning on during the first 3 weeks of adult braces
- Eggs
- Soup (NOT tomato based to avoid staining)
- Mashed potatoes
- Soggy cereal
- Bread, but I have to sog it up in the soup so I can mash it up with my tongue before swallowing
- Pasta in a white cream sauce (Marinara will stain)
- Rice, but eating it is annoying because it gets trapped in the braces and then you're forever smacking your tongue around the braces trying to suck the rice out.
This is not the faire I'm used to eating. Also, this can't be the healthiest of diets.
Here is a list of foods I really miss eating the first 3 weeks of adult braces
- Anything that requires the use of your teeth to swallow
- Anything with color
- Everything that's not on the list above.
I know I will be able to eat semi-normally again, but I'm not quite there yet, so I'm being a whiny baby about it.
Upside: I'm losing weight!
Meh. I miss Doritos.
Meh. I miss Doritos.
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| Forbidden Fruit. My heart weeps. |
Hep Hep Hoor- A! Or How Costco and Braces Conspired to Infect Me with Hepatitis A.
Labels:
adult braces,
life,
Review
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Frozen berry mix sparks hepatitis A outbreak in 5 states!
And wouldn't you know it. Pam bought these same damn berries and fed them to her husband and child. Ridiculous things like this seem to always happen to Pam.
At any rate, we ate the whole possibly-contaminated bag of them. The brand was Townsend Farms. Here's the picture. Review Questions at the end.
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| Bag of Hep. |
What the Hep?
So what is Hepatitis A? According to Wikipedia, it's a viral disease that is spread the "fecal-oral" route. So basically it's spread by poop. So eating food that has come into contact with the diseased poop or that has been sprayed with contamined water, or that has been touched by an infected worker with dirty hands will give you Hep A. Just remember, "fecal-oral". As if you could forget now.
Hepatitis A is a disease of the liver. If you do develop it, you can experience fatigue, vomitting, nausea, loss of apetite, and most famously- jaundice. You probably won't die from it, but it'll make you wicked sick and possibly land you in a hospital for several weeks.
I Blame the Braces
In anticipation of getting my braces, I stocked up on protein powder and frozen berries from Costco, to give myself an easy food source that did not require the use of my molars. There were a couple different varieties of frozen berries in the Costco freezer, but I was seduced by the words "organic" and "antioxidant." There was something organic in there, all right.
The thing is both Rugby and Squirt love when I make smoothies, and so whenever I made one for myself, I also made them for the two boys. (Even though I know this was not my fault, I still feel like an asshole for handing them hepatitis-laced smoothies.)
Anyhow, all the articles urged consumers who had eaten the berries within the last 14 days to get checked out, so we went and did that. All three of us spent a few hours in some random urgent care clinic. It was hard to find one in our network that was also open on a Saturday. We were attended by a doctor who resembled George Costanza. He had food dribbles all down his shirt and his white coat was dingy and black at the cuffs. He didn't exactly inspire confidence, but we weren't about to get picky.
Luckily, we knew Squirt had been vaccinated. Hep A vacs became part of the regular reportoire of childhood shots in 2004. But since Rugby nor I could be sure about our vaccinations, we were given boosters. Getting the booster will stave off the illness, as long as you get it within 14 days of contact.
Luckily, we knew Squirt had been vaccinated. Hep A vacs became part of the regular reportoire of childhood shots in 2004. But since Rugby nor I could be sure about our vaccinations, we were given boosters. Getting the booster will stave off the illness, as long as you get it within 14 days of contact.
We Promise to Start Washing Our Hands from Now on.
As I understand it, even if you have been vaccinated you could still possibly pass on the virus to others. But you won't get it if we sneeze or cough on you. Remember "fecal-oral." As long as we wash our hands after the bathroom, you should be fine. We promise to start doing that from now on.
WINK.
Now it's time to answer...
Pam's Product Review Questions
- Does the product do what it says it will? Yes, but it may have given us Hep A.
- Is the product worth the money you paid? I paid $9.99 for a big ol' bag. It would have been a great deal except for that it may have given us Hep A. And the shots cost us $330 total (which Costco has agreed to reimburse us for).
- How would you improve the product? Make sure it doesn't give people Hep A.
- Would you repurchase/recommend to others? No, as it might give you Hep A.
- Caveats: No caveats. Just don't buy them.
Townsend Farms Organic Antioxidant Blend Frozen Berries
- Hopefully nowhere. They should have been taken off the shelves by now.
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