Brace Yourself!

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ALEX TREBEC
The answer is... "So you didn't wear your retainer..."

PAM 
What is "The thing you don't say to a 38-year-old woman upon her walking into an orthodontist office to be fitted with braces for the the third time in her life"? 

ALEX TREBEC
Correct! I would have also taken, "What is totally obvious?"

PAM
Super! Next, I'll take "Things You Learn the Hard, Expensive Way for $5000", Alex.

Retain This, B*tches.

I'm getting braces. Again (again). At 38 years old. Yes, I'm about to be THAT lady. And every time I explain to anyone that I'd already had braces as a child, I always get slapped in the face with some variation of, "Tsk tsk, you didn't wear your retainer, did you?"

You mean the retainer that I was given when I was 15? Ummm, no, dudes.

And seriously, I know tons of people my age who had braces and stopped wearing their retainers. And their teeth still look great.

Life just ain't fair.

Brief History of Pam's Mouth Hole

At 9 years old, my two front permanent teeth grew in janky, like a V pointing inward. Then my right canine started growing in all high on the gums. At 12 years old, x-rays confirmed that a mutant canine was also growing through the middle of my pallette.

?

Take a minute to process that. A tooth was growing through the roof of my mouth. The dentist joked that I was part shark. 

Several gum-gouging oral surgeries, headgears, and torture devices later, I was finally only just ready for braces. Over the next two years, they managed to slowly and painfully drag the mutant canine from the roof of my mouth to the spot it was supposed to live.

Success! They took the braces off.

3 months later they said, "Just kidding!" and put the braces back on. 1 year after that, they took them off again. I was 15.

23 years after all that mess, I'm going in again for Round 3 of braces. There's been a lot of shifting. It seems that my mutant canine is migrating upstream to its home in the middle of my pallette. Possibly to spawn, like a salmon. 

Why Now?

I'm more a summer chicken than a spring one. And I mean, my teeth can look straight in pictures if I work my angles and/or make sure my mouth is slightly open so you don't see the crazy crossbite. Plus, I already gotz a man, so why spare the discomfort and the considerable expense?


  • It bothers me when I see a bad picture (which is often-- thanks, FB)
  • Whenever I bite into an apple I see the teethmarks of the chupacabra (who also needs braces)
  • My mother points it out to me every other time she sees me.
  • My jaw has shifted to the right, so I don't have just crooked teeth. I also have a crooked face. 
  • It's getting worse with each passing year.

That's why.

And if you're wondering why I just don't do Invisalign: My mutant canine is kind of a dick with its own agenda. Invisalign won't do shit for the mutiny happening in my gums.

I am, however, doing clear brackets up top, which is a nice improvement from the days of the full metal teeth jackets. 

Braces: Reviewing the Process

So, I'm going to document this whole process from beginning to end to help any of you older, dentally challenged peeps out there who are going through the same thing or are considering doing this.

Here is a "before" picture of my teef, taken May 2013.

PAM'S TEEF. 

I'm scheduled to get the brackets and wiring in on Friday. It's gonna be like 1987 all over again. 

Wish me luck.

Oh, and you better believe I'm going to wear my retainer till the end. I've already told Rugby and Squirt that I wish to be buried with the retainer in my mouth so that mutant canine will know its place forever.

2 comments:

  1. RoseMay 22, 2013 at 10:31 AM

    I'm wearing my retainers now, y'all.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownMay 22, 2013 at 4:40 PM

    For reals, right? I don't think I fully comprehended that retainers were forever at age 15. Can you still fit your retainers?

    ReplyDelete

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